Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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