Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Couch. On fire.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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