Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
