The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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