Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
