Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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