I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
