Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Will you blow on my dice?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
