my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
