so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
