My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
