I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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