I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
