I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
