In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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