The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
