if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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