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Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
