i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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