i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
