Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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