I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
sex in a hospital.. check
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
