Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
