Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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