I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
