my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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