Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
