im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
