The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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