Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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