I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
