I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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