Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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