Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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