i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He passed out mid-signature
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
