don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
