I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
