I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We're too hungover to prance.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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