There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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