he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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