woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
