until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
