The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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