He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
