I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
