Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
