I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
