My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
