Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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