All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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