based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
