I could make wine with my vomit
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
